his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I did not marry a roomba.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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