I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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