If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
