OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
