I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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