i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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