it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
