im six kinds of drunk right now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
