she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
