my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
