So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
