I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
