On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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