I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
