Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
