She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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