My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
