i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
