Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
