just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
