woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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