Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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