remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
