she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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