What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
