omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
