Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
