Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
