My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
