Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
