And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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