Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
