Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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