My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
