When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
a search helicopter?!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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