Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
