apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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