She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm getting married
To pizza
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
