i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
