He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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