You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
