god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
