i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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