i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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