if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
