Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
