I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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