I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
