By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
