Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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