some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
